The Dark Knight Rises is not a bad movie in the same way Twilight is a bad book. Let me put that on the table straightaway. “The Spirit” is a bad movie. “Manos: the Hands of Fate” is a bad movie. Most romcoms are bad movies. DKR is none of these things. At its very worst, it’s a muddled movie that has too much ambition, tries to do WAY too much, and ultimately falls short of every goal it seems to have set for itself. But its action is pretty good, it has some memorable characters, a really awesome, if underused villain, and it has some striking visuals that, while not making any sense (*ahem* burning bat-symbol), are difficult to forget.
I have a sneaking suspicion that something happens to you when you make a movie as wildly amazing as the Dark Knight. I reckon you start feeling the need to top yourself. “If you think that was good, wait’ll you see what I do next!” a director might say. “It will be amazing! It will blow the top of your head INTO THE NEXT COUNTY!”
HOLY SHITBALLS!!!
Unfortunately this hypothetical director is now more focused more on his own reputation than on telling a story, and the game is already lost. I suspect that is what happened with DKR. Mr. Nolan tried to pack as much stuff into one movie as humanly possible and wound up having to bend the laws of time and space (and medical science) in order to get it all into one movie.
But let’s circle back so my point is clear: I’m not comparing DKR to Twilight just because they’re the only things being reworked on this blog so far. Granted, this will be another teardown, but it won’t be as bad as the treatment Bella and Edward got last week. Twilight was horrible. DKR was…okay. Okay? Okay.
So, teardown. Start with the title. Let’s get down to brass tacks: the Dark Knight was so incredibly awesome that linking another movie to it in any meaningful way is only going to hurt that movie. You already have Batman and a whole cast of characters connecting the two films, forcing the audience to unconsciously compare your new movie with that movie (which has been made perfect in the audience’s mind by time). Let’s not add a nearly identical title (that gets hamfistedly crammed into the audience’s face at the start of act three) into the mix. Instead, I would have called this movie “Knightfall.”
By my understanding, the character Bane was specifically created for the Knightfall run of comics for one purpose and one purpose only–to break the bat. Unfortunately, the plot of that series of comics involves Bane cracking open Arkham and letting all the supercriminals out. Then he waits as Batman tires himself out on them, and then he strikes, finishing Batman off. There are only two supercriminals (maybe three [maybe four]) at this point in the movie series, so how can you do that in this movie? Well, let me tell you how (and stop asking questions).
I said no more questions!
Instead of taking place eight years after the Dark Knight (which I will not be abbreviating out of respect), Knightfall would take place three months after Harvey’s death. Bruce Wayne will be on the verge of exhaustion because, in addition to fighting baddies and keeping Gotham safe, he’s also fighting the police and the people of Gotham, all of whom think he’s a murderer. The first act will include an anti-Batman propaganda campaign, including posters, flyers, etc.
In fact, you could open the movie with an anti-Batman commercial: Amateur footage of the batman doing his thing with a voiceover, “Do not be fooled by the Batman’s recent efforts against crime in Gotham. He is still wanted for the murder of former District Attorney Harvey Dent. If you spot the Batman, call 1-800-STOP-BAT.” Slow pan out to Commissioner Gordon (now with white hair the way God intended) watching the commercial, slowly shaking his head because he knows he’s helping kill Batman. “I just hope he’s better than we are,” Gordon will say.
Smash cut to Batman stalking and taking out some badguys in a warehouse, but while he’s leaving, he gets spotted by a cop who shoots him. Batman barely escapes. (The cop who shoots him, it turns out, is Harvey Bullock. Because what the heck?)
[Let me be frank, in turning Batman into an old cripple at the start of DKR, Nolan seems to be trying to combine three legendary series of comics, namely the Dark Knight Returns, No Man’s Land, and Knightfall. You CANNOT do that in one movie. It’s not a question of skill, it’s a question of volume. A master chef can make a three course dinner taste delicious, but he or she can’t cram all three courses into a single sandwich without losing a lot of things that made the original three courses awesome. I believe this cramming is why Bruce Wayne’s crippled leg disappears because magic, why Batman’s broken back can be cured by old man chiropractics in a hole in the desert (and by the power of situps), why a now destitute Bruce Wayne can magic himself to Gotham from the Middle East through the power of jump cuts, and why Catwoman can go the entire movie without once being called Catwoman (even though the ads definitely sold her to the audience as Catwoman).
Pictured: Not Catwoman, apparently
Honestly, as a moviemaker, why would you WANT to cram these three stories into one movie? They’re each pretty damn amazing in their own right, and each could easily be turned into a series of Batman movies all by themselves. Why in the name of Christ on high would you toss all that material in the bin for one movie? Why? I WANT TO KNOW! Does Nolan not like money? I don’t get it.]
Anyway, Bane shows up in act one as a bounty hunter offering to hunt the Bat for the GCPD. This leads us to the third change to DKR: I would keep Bane’s venom powers from the comics. I know Nolan’s Batman is all about realism, and that that realism is what audiences love about it. HOWEVER, I submit to you dear reader, that we have drugs that give people super strength on the streets today, namely, steroids and amphetamines (and coke, PCP and a variety of other drugs if you want to get OCD about lists). So it’s not entirely unrealistic for venom to be “a mix of HGH, steroids, and amphetamines that takes a toll on the body but gives a temporary but massive increase in size and strength.” We live in a world where people watch movies about a man in magic flying armor teaming up with the Norse god of thunder to shoot palm rays at a guy in a helmet with seventeen inch horns. Audiences will buy venom if you spin it right. Lucius Fox can explain it–audiences will believe anything Morgan Freeman tells them
Moving on, Bane has a “first trial” with Batman. Batman gets his ass kicked and barely escapes. This impresses the GCPD (who have had nothing but failure against batsy). Thus ends act one, preferably with Morgan Freeman saying something scary like “Bruce, in a straight up fight, you could never beat Bane.”
As Act Two begins, the mayor (who really wants to get the Batman because politics) gives Bane free reign in Gotham. He uses this to plant all the explosives that you see in DKR, because Gotham turning into No Man’s Land was the most interesting part and should be kept. Batman will discover this because he’s the world’s greatest detective and all that, but he can’t stop Bane because the GCPD is providing security and he has qualms about straight-up attacking cops (he’s not taking on the Joker, so he doesn’t take his “extreme measures” stance at the end of the Dark Knight). As this is happening, criminals hijack the Gotham circus. Batman shows up and beats up all the criminals and tries to save the day, but then Bane shows up with his mercs and the GCPD, and in the ensuing hullabaloo, the flying Graysons are accidentally killed. By Bane and GCPD cops. In a policing action. Yeah, see where I’m going with this? Heavy shit–just the way Batman fans like it.
So bam, we have Robin. A real Robin, not a shoddily ramrodded-in guy whose name is not-Dick-Grayson because “Fuck you audience, Best Wishes, Christopher Nolan.” Man that was upsetting.
Pretty much
Anyway, Bruce takes in Dick (giggity intended), but just as some guy who lives at Wayne manor. We’ll get to him later.
Act Three begins with Bane blowing up the bridges and taking over Gotham. This brings us to the fourth change: Bane is not a member of the League of Shadows. While it was kind of interesting at first, it wound up muddling the plot in a way I didn’t care for. Instead, Bane is just some guy who REALLY wants to break Batman. You know, for the challenge of it. The same way the Joker wanted to take on Batman just for shits and giggles in the Dark Knight.
Bane could even give a grumbly, intimidating speech at the start of act three. Something to the effect of “Gotham, you created the Batman with your lawlessness and corruption. I am Gotham’s reckoning (which was an awesome line and should be kept). I will purge Gotham of the stain of corruption, and then I will break the Bat.” He’ll then free the inmates of Arkham/Blackgate who were “wrongfully imprisoned by the Batman” and then he’ll just kinda sit back and wait for Batman to show up.
And yes, the Joker will also get released. I understand that Heath Ledger is no longer with us, and that is unfortunate. But the Joker didn’t die, so you can give his creepy Chelsea smile to someone else. My vote is for Leonardo DiCaprio, but I thought Heath Ledger would make a shitty Joker when I first heard of his casting, and hoo-boy was I wrong.
So the third act will essentially be Batman zipping all over Gotham in an attempt to fix things, but now EVERYONE will be against him–not just the GCPD and the criminals. Average citizens on the streets will throw rocks at him. “YOU DID THIS TO US” will be the cry, and everyone will be super pissed. Even the people he rescues will be upset. And after a climactic battle, Bane will break the Bat.
Not what I meant
And that’s how the movie will end.
I know, I know, you can’t end a Batman trilogy with Batman seemingly getting killed. But that’s the best part (and another change I would make): Knightfall isn’t the end of “the Batman Trilogy.” It’s the start of a NEW trilogy that will rock audience’s socks off so hard that everyone everywhere will shit their pants simultaneously for seemingly no reason. You will have to tune in next week to find out what will happen in the second Knightfall movie: Robin Rises.
Oh, and if the audience happens to hang around during the credits, the big shocker will be unveiled: Harvey Two-Face is not dead.
So what does this do to the original?
Well, you lose some of the draws that DKR had, namely, you lose Catwoman. Yes, in case you didn’t notice, there’s no Catwoman in this version. Sorry fanboys, the interactions between CW and BM were stilted and unbelievable in DKR anyway, so you’d have to wait a while to see your favorite ladyburglar in action.
You also lose some of the realism Nolan went to such great lengths to create in Batman Begins and the Dark Knight. However, I submit that people don’t go to a Batman movie for realism. It’s a grown man, who is a “ninja” (seriously, a ninja. And we’re going for realism?) that dresses up like a nocturnal flying mammal and throws knives at bad guys. His best villain’s power is an amazing HR dept., the ability to teleport when he’s not in the scene, and resources that are unlimited if you don’t think about it too hard. Let us also not forget the magic “echo location via cell phones” in The Dark Knight (which got a pass because it was an awesome movie and sometimes plot contrivance is okay, but still was not “realistic). “Das Boot” this ain’t, is what I’m saying here. But with the addition of venom, you do lose some of the realism that Nolan was going for. Not much, but some.
You lose the batplane, though I didn’t care much for the visual design of Nolan’s batplane anyway. I’m not saying it had to be shaped like the bat signal, but its complete lack of aerodynamics made it look clunky. The Tumbler looked awesome AND made sense, but the batplane looked like an air battle between two lego planes.
[SPOILER] You also lose Talia al’Ghul. I would say that, as she was another ramrodded character, this is really a gain, some people might really like her character and consider her being excised from the movie a loss. I dunno. [END SPOILER]
However, you gain a Robin that hasn’t lost all his potential as a character. I’ll have to leave Robin at that because I don’t want to ruin part II of this reconstruction. In that vein, you also gain a blank tableau for the Catwoman character. You regain Harvey Two-Face as a villain, as well as the Joker, Scarecrow, and Bane. You gain the GCPD as an antagonistic presence.
You also gain a tighter movie. In losing the medical inaccuracies, the “Dark Knight Returns” aspects of the story, the League of Shadows subplot, Talia, and Catwoman (plus the incredibly hamfisted “Occupy Wall-Streeters are destroying America” subtext), the movie moves smoothly from act one to act two to act three without any jarring breaks in the action. I submit this was one of the defining characteristics that made the Dark Knight such a successful movie. The Joker transitions very smoothly from bank robber to terrorist to “guy who really loves screwing with Batman” and you can’t see the seams. You could probably pull Knightfall off in just under two hours.
You also lose a lot of the “story through exposition” that plagued DKR. Because we don’t have to catch the audience up to speed on the last eight years (because that didn’t happen) the story can be told mostly through action and between-character dialogue. Which is how every movie should be told. Nobody wants to watch Gary Oldman look into a camera and give a speech. There’s a reason why the State of the Union doesn’t bring in the same size audience as the Super Bowl.
You also gain superpowers in the Batman movie mythos. Venom is a nice, easy transition into the world of superpowers, avoiding the pitfall of dropping magic and aliens into what is essentially “The Departed with Batman” and asking the audience to just cope with it. You’re giving them a leg up into the world of Kryptonians and Green Lanterns and Martians that won’t crack their brains.
What you gain the most, however, is potential. If this movie had been made instead of DKR, Warner Bros. wouldn’t be shitting its pants figuring out how they can shoehorn Batman into the Justice League movie they have planned. Instead, you have a running Batman continuity that people like, and which can very easily slide into two more Batman movies, a Justice League movie, AND Vishnu only knows how many Batman/Superman movies. (How awesome would it be to see Batman and Superman take on Darkseid in order to save Supergirl on the big screen? The answer is “very awesome.”)
Not to mention that, since Batman (the character) doesn’t kill his rogue’s gallery, you could produce any number of one-off Batman movies in order to develop the mythos. Or (and this really is my dream that I pray for every night) you could have a tie-in television show along the lines of Breaking Bad. An hour long episode every week with running storylines. I would watch that. I would watch it every single day. Most Batman fans would. And if the TV show tied into the movies? HOLY FRICKEN CRAP is all I have to say.
Oh, you also lose that nonsense about Bruce and Lucius building a nuclear bomb and just kinda forgetting about it. That was pretty stupid.
Also that crap about how Robin “just kinda knew” that Bruce Wayne was Batman.
Also that crap when Bane just kinda stopped being a badass because his lady friend showed up. Bane of course being an infamous pussy-whipped bitch.
Also that crap where Selina Kyle (not Catwoman) off-handedly kills Bane with the Batpod because the writers decided “who really gives a shit anymore, honestly?”
I have to stop. My opinion of this movie is dropping by the second.
*After some research, I was saddened to discover that Morgan Freeman has passed away. Then I was elated to discover that it was a stupid internet rumor. Then I was saddened that the rumor rumor was a rumor. I don’t know what to believe now.
Plot Doctor 